Is This Sincerity Or Is This A Joke? (babylonlipstick) wrote,
Is This Sincerity Or Is This A Joke?

So it's 3:15...(make that 4 by the time it's done) on a sunday

 and i have to wake up at 9 to do some physics homework, then go to physics.

Wesleyan is nice, but i wish there were more here that i've been looking for. maybe there is more that i just haven't stumbled across yet, and i really hope so.

this is 1000 times better than highschool, there are less people to dislike, more activities i enjoy, and the same amount of friends (somewhere between a few and some) and love interests ( >_>) that i had back home. i'm free to express myself here. anything i want to say, i can say it where and when i feel like it, so long as it's not hateful. actually, most of the people here defend hate speech, but it's just not something i've seen at wesleyan ever. considering like 5% of the people are jewish and 10% are full asian...not to mention other races, and outside of races, it's like 70+%female, extremely queer, and ridiculously amazing hobbyists. though i am VERY frightened of the LARPers that duel outside of my dorm at midnight on weekends. frightened meaning i worry that we might not be able to fend off the Orcish attacks looming over campus. lol...creepy fuckers.

the food's good, all the food in both cafeterias are like...grown from our local farm and all organic...lots of veggy/vegan stuff too. it's incredible. though right now i could REALLY fucking go for a whole day of taco bueno. breakfast...i'd have 2 of those potato and cheese burritos...then for lunch i'd have a mexidips and a burrito with no sauce plus sour cream...but for dinner i'd mix it up and go to taco bell! or los dos amigos...or god forbid ON THE BORDER. holy fuck my mouth is watering for some Souf cuisine. in the northeast...they have bluecheese instead of ranch (wtf), they have clam chowder everywhere instead of chili or like...tortilla soup (omgwtf), and they have almond butter and have never heard of apple butter (total fucking insanity!). someone buy me a good couple days of Souf dinners when i get to norman :\
this means TEA Cafe, Bueno, Shuttle, and Carinos. mmmmmmmmmm

i have not made but a few friends at wesleyan since...the first kids i mingled with i ended up hating. so, shit, i mingled incorrectly! so, as john irving says, i have to spend my time in revision, and make friends slowly and 1 by 1 so as not to seem creepy and/or fake. Jose, David, and Tori are nice, though. Jose is my bro, though, and it's nice being good friends with a Junior since he knows a fuckload more than I do about this place. I made some friends out of Middletown, in Enfield and Vernon and Hartford and Naugatuck...because, you know, I'm awesome at having long-distance friendships or something. I have seen each of them a few times on different occasions, so that's cool.

No love interests, as noted. I think my policy of not-being-interested-in-anyone-who-is-in-any-way-less-impressive-than-the-last-person-i-dated has become a very destructive thing, as i left off in that awkward getting-to-know-her phase with someone i liked a lot and hadn't yet come across things i disliked. this one jewish girl in my sex, morality, and the law class said she noticed differences in sex all the time, just that she was always aware if she was in the presense of a male despite age, style, etc.
I passed that "judging people's appearance as soon as you see them" phase with girls a long time ago, where you always are embarrassed when you've picked out a cute girl. that happened a good couple of years ago, where i evolved into the gay-style noticing phase by not being aroused but still saying "wow, she's so beautiful." now though, i don't even distinguish people by looks unless i think about it hard enough, because i am not impressed whatsoever. i feel like such a high-standard asshole, pygmalion style. i can't help it though, even though there's nothing wrong with someone i may say "what's so great" about them. not that i even have any affection for her any longer, even if there was some awkward chance that i could potentially date her ever, plus i realize she has flaws, and as a christian moderate there's probably a lot i'd dislike about her more than lots of the girls here. i just...dunno what the fuck is wrong with me. maybe it's just the intensity i got from haley that no other girl has matched, making me feel either unwanted or unsatisfied in any other circumstance. so the attention plus the standards plus the general indifference has accumulated to me being a very lonely person. "though i have really refine my jack-off techniques." - henry rollins

no clubs, yet. i am not interested in sports anymore because i found out how much time they take up every day and it's fucking ridiculous. i have no commitment that high to a sport or game. the theatre kids here are a little pompous and a little...bad at acting. one of the professors said "forensics" wasn't real acting. and then i saw his best actors and they looked like idiots trying to change their own diapers in spotlights. he only had 2 "good males" that half the male actors at norman high last year could knock out of the water. fucking ridiculous. the female actors were a little better, though none were that great, and i just thought to myself "forensics tought my sister and i to be a better performer than every one of these 'prodigies' of professor cockwaffle." what a joke. not to mentiont the first production was oedipus rex. lol, excuse me but there's a reason most english classes teach it in the classroom, and why i've never before heard of it in theatre. certain classic pieces are hysterical to see being done. i guess next they should put on romeo and juliet...that makes for a surprising stage piece. then i think they'll close the year with william tell. who knows what that could be about. certainly not english folklore. anyway...point is, pompous...and they've driven me away.

my latin teacher is pretty awesome, though i have decided that COL: latin is definitely not for me. i like latin a bit but i really can't imagine the "imperfect passive gerudive of obligation" being part of my psyche. anthropology sounds very interesting. government does too but it is supposedly a really hard major, filled with lots of homework :( gender studies i was looking at, but i've lost interest in it as a major. still, i may take more courses while i'm here. and of course, my long-desired philosophy classes are calling out to me. i don't know what i'll do yet but anthropology, philosophy (with much encouragement from my advisor), and government look to be the most likely. sex, morality, and the law is amazing, but i don't think i'll be getting an A in that class due to participation and everyone else talking about nothing while i only want to talk when i have a point to makes it seem like i talk not at all, when i really just don't raise my hand to say "i agree with what tanya is saying." physics is...physics and it's fucking easy and hysterical. and then there's history and the humanities with a professor i dislike and a course i dislike. it's supposedly divided into 2 semesters so i'm hoping i can end this painful experience after 1 semester to pursue a better course. it only depends on if i have to take the whole year to get credit for the 1st semester, but i don't think i do. i was going to do religious studies until i found out all the classes are pro-religion, of course. oh, how i dream of the day Sam Harris could teach a class and that i could be in it.

this is a great place, and this is a great experience. i'm looking forward to more, hopefully more friends, more knowledge, and more happiness (been a bit stressful for the most part). i still don't call it home, though. and while i cherish every second i spend here in this accepting, intellectual, environmentally thoughtful, liberal, incredible atmosphere, i can't wait for december 20th when i get to fly home, eat some GODDAMN BUENO, see brettski (and possibly someone/s else? anyone?), play some WoW, and fall fast asleep on the comfy red sofabed.
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