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Iron-Willed Fuckup [entries|friends|calendar]
Is This Sincerity Or Is This A Joke?

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well, well...we meet again, Dr. Paradox [06 Jan 2009|10:13pm]
so because of a relationship issue, i am having a lot of trouble with trust, i guess.
i really sort of want to talk to someone about it.
but...i am not sure i trust anyone enough now.
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music [23 May 2008|01:56am]
 so i've been reading a lot on the only true source of information, wikipedia, and have new knowledge on a ton of funny-ass shit music-wise.

like how underoath is actually a label-built band like n'sync or beforeU are, and are all against gay marriage.

or how the only 2 bands to be kicked from the warped tour, guttermouth and treephort, were kicked for making fun of My Chemecal Romance and setting stuff, including one band member's balls on fire, respectively.

pop punk is hysterical.
there's also a lot of interesting stuff, but i read about 60 pages of information in one night that no one else cares about so w/e.

i'll leave you with the "definition" of pop punk fashion, aka: what alex wears 95% of the time...
"Contemporary pop punk fans often wear items such as band T-shirts with, hooded sweaters, baseball hats, dickies pants, denim jeans, board shorts, studded belts, Converse All-Stars or skateboarder shoes. Hair can be short and spiky or 'mop-top' style made famous by The Ramones."
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[17 Apr 2008|07:56pm]
until i  can afford to pay for just 1 month of the upgraded LJ to get the ads away on my other account i'll just be using this.

1 thing to say:
my thinkblue bracelet that i've been wearing since sophomore year broke. maybe it knows i don't care or keep up with politics much anymore. but it's gone, and my wrist feels weird now. im naked. someone get me a new bracelet.
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home movies has become background music, disappoitment has become routine as well [16 Mar 2008|04:13am]
[ mood | crushed ]

what is it with girls breaking it off with me by just ignoring me for a long period of time and assuming i'll figure it out. it's definitely disappointing and overall pretty hurtful to wait around for a long time and not get the honesty to even be talked to. it's a pretty shitty deal.
i'm only home for 6 more days. i originally couldn't wait to come home so i could see her and spend time with brett and just relax from school. only one of those things has been accomplished though...i'm pretty sure if it weren't for brett i'd be going crazy. i'm glad at least someone wants to see me, and hanging out with brett is always part of the most fun i can have. even with that, i really want to be in CT right now.

i went to judge at the regional acting tourny. it felt weird, definitely, not to mention that a good 50% of compet had changed which is more than i remember it ever changing before. i only got to judge 1 pickup ballot, some 3A poetry in which there was one girl who was OUTSTANDING and 5 kids who were less than outstanding. it was alright, i got some free soda i guess, and i got to see a few people i normally don't see...and i got to find out someone who used to be innocent as hell is a pothead. rofl. keeler invited me to go to san diego with him but...that's a 26-hour drive so NO. i guess my last 5 days here i'll probably try and zee zabel and a couple others i caught up with at the tournament, chill with brett, and just sleep as much as i can until i can be back in connecticut where i don't have to acknowledge i'm being avoided every day by people i want to see. ba-damn. i also have 5 days to decide if i want to do COL as a major or not...hmm

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DONE! [13 Mar 2008|05:48am]
this journal is being abandoned. for those still interested, my new livejournal account will appropriately be "hazygoose."
that will pretty much be where i spend my time making music lists or talking about random shit, rather than recalling life events, since i am too lazy to get a blogspot and keep up with it.
so yeah, add me, bitches. 
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random wow bit but... *nerd alert* [17 Jan 2008|08:02am]

1st guild...ka tet
left due to GM being a stupid, pretentious prick

2nd guild...legio ferrata
left due to christian awkwardness

invitations from SPQR, Good Times, and Thanatos. Rejected Good Times since the only person I knew it it left and said they sucked.

Guild Name: The Ka Tet
Server Ranking: 98
Horde Ranking: 28

Guild Name: Legio Ferrata
Server Ranking: 100
Horde Ranking: 31

Guild Name: Thanatos
Server Ranking: 102
Horde Ranking: 32

Guild Name: SPQR
Server Ranking: 105
Horde Ranking: 35

wow...why are they all so close.
i had 1st hunter ranking in legio ferrata. i will get it if i join thanatos, too. ironically i will get 2nd hunter spot if i'm in SPQR only since their GM is a hunter. I miss a couple of legio ferrata members like pete, mo, and khi. from the ka tet i only missed dave and then he left for Death By SnuSnu anyway.  it's too bad the rest of legio ferrata won't let me say god's name in vein or some bullshit. thanatos ftw? i guess i'll find out soon.

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[15 Jan 2008|12:59am]

 friendships can be changed so easily.
some relationships are very confusing...

after coming back to norman i realized how very little interest someone can keep about your company when you're not there to see them everyday. honestly i only saw brett 4 times, which is weird as i had imagined seeing him almost every day like before i left for school.

most people i know i saw only once or not at all. my opinion on a lot of people i knew changed quite a bit.

i got to see chad, though, which was amazing. i'll never get drunk with him again, but i still love him immensely :]

i need to:

mail joanna's present - i suck
try and see brett 1 more time
see gwynne again before i go, as much as possible
get some weed from caroline's friend, and hang out with caroline again, at least for a while.
go to chicago and hang out with julie :]
go back to wesleyan and see JOSE! and MORGAN! and NATASHA! food party.
stay alive during the semester, while enjoying myself. less doing nothing all day, more living life like it should be.

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[14 Oct 2007|02:29am]
 brett has a girlfriend. i am happy for him, since his previous breakup was kind of crazy and awkward. plus, i never told him, and i really didn't know her, but i wasn't a big fan of the last one. i can't wait to meet the new one and fake hit on her to test her. lol...joking...but i hope she's cool enough to be a "hang out with his friends" girlfriend. i hate the other kind.

too much tea...i'll be up all night.
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i finally got around to listening to The Forecast's second CD instead of just listening to the first [13 Oct 2007|11:02pm]
[ mood | busy ]

it's inside of three weeks
and I'm a boat out to sea
with no sails
I tried drinking nights away
it just brought on longer days
and blackouts
sleep well my dear
I'm waiting for your call it wont be long
'till were hanging hopes from the stars
just call
sleep's been coming hard for me
because when I dream
it's of you
from the first day I made mistakes
and now I'm trying to pave my way
to your heart
sleep well my dear
sleep well my dear
I'm waiting for your call it wont be long
'till were hanging hopes from the stars
just give me this
a slow dance
a last chance
to tell you everything you need to hear
because the phone calls
won't let me look you in the eyes
so I can tell you
please stay

that's a pretty sweet song. i like it, and the rest of the CD.
Next CD to listen to: In Rainbows 

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So it's 3:15...(make that 4 by the time it's done) on a sunday [08 Oct 2007|03:15am]
[ mood | determined ]

 and i have to wake up at 9 to do some physics homework, then go to physics.

Wesleyan is nice, but i wish there were more here that i've been looking for. maybe there is more that i just haven't stumbled across yet, and i really hope so.

this is 1000 times better than highschool, there are less people to dislike, more activities i enjoy, and the same amount of friends (somewhere between a few and some) and love interests (uhh...none...lol >_>) that i had back home. i'm free to express myself here. anything i want to say, i can say it where and when i feel like it, so long as it's not hateful. actually, most of the people here defend hate speech, but it's just not something i've seen at wesleyan ever. considering like 5% of the people are jewish and 10% are full asian...not to mention other races, and outside of races, it's like 70+%female, extremely queer, and ridiculously amazing hobbyists. though i am VERY frightened of the LARPers that duel outside of my dorm at midnight on weekends. frightened meaning i worry that we might not be able to fend off the Orcish attacks looming over campus. lol...creepy fuckers.

the food's good, all the food in both cafeterias are like...grown from our local farm and all organic...lots of veggy/vegan stuff too. it's incredible. though right now i could REALLY fucking go for a whole day of taco bueno. breakfast...i'd have 2 of those potato and cheese burritos...then for lunch i'd have a mexidips and a burrito with no sauce plus sour cream...but for dinner i'd mix it up and go to taco bell! or los dos amigos...or god forbid ON THE BORDER. holy fuck my mouth is watering for some Souf cuisine. in the northeast...they have bluecheese instead of ranch (wtf), they have clam chowder everywhere instead of chili or like...tortilla soup (omgwtf), and they have almond butter and have never heard of apple butter (total fucking insanity!). someone buy me a good couple days of Souf dinners when i get to norman :\
this means TEA Cafe, Bueno, Shuttle, and Carinos. mmmmmmmmmm

i have not made but a few friends at wesleyan since...the first kids i mingled with i ended up hating. so, shit, i mingled incorrectly! so, as john irving says, i have to spend my time in revision, and make friends slowly and 1 by 1 so as not to seem creepy and/or fake. Jose, David, and Tori are nice, though. Jose is my bro, though, and it's nice being good friends with a Junior since he knows a fuckload more than I do about this place. I made some friends out of Middletown, in Enfield and Vernon and Hartford and Naugatuck...because, you know, I'm awesome at having long-distance friendships or something. I have seen each of them a few times on different occasions, so that's cool.

No love interests, as noted. I think my policy of not-being-interested-in-anyone-who-is-in-any-way-less-impressive-than-the-last-person-i-dated has become a very destructive thing, as i left off in that awkward getting-to-know-her phase with someone i liked a lot and hadn't yet come across things i disliked. this one jewish girl in my sex, morality, and the law class said she noticed differences in sex all the time, just that she was always aware if she was in the presense of a male despite age, style, etc.
I passed that "judging people's appearance as soon as you see them" phase with girls a long time ago, where you always are embarrassed when you've picked out a cute girl. that happened a good couple of years ago, where i evolved into the gay-style noticing phase by not being aroused but still saying "wow, she's so beautiful." now though, i don't even distinguish people by looks unless i think about it hard enough, because i am not impressed whatsoever. i feel like such a high-standard asshole, pygmalion style. i can't help it though, even though there's nothing wrong with someone i may say "what's so great" about them. not that i even have any affection for her any longer, even if there was some awkward chance that i could potentially date her ever, plus i realize she has flaws, and as a christian moderate there's probably a lot i'd dislike about her more than lots of the girls here. i just...dunno what the fuck is wrong with me. maybe it's just the intensity i got from haley that no other girl has matched, making me feel either unwanted or unsatisfied in any other circumstance. so the attention plus the standards plus the general indifference has accumulated to me being a very lonely person. "though i have really refine my jack-off techniques." - henry rollins

no clubs, yet. i am not interested in sports anymore because i found out how much time they take up every day and it's fucking ridiculous. i have no commitment that high to a sport or game. the theatre kids here are a little pompous and a little...bad at acting. one of the professors said "forensics" wasn't real acting. and then i saw his best actors and they looked like idiots trying to change their own diapers in spotlights. he only had 2 "good males" that half the male actors at norman high last year could knock out of the water. fucking ridiculous. the female actors were a little better, though none were that great, and i just thought to myself "forensics tought my sister and i to be a better performer than every one of these 'prodigies' of professor cockwaffle." what a joke. not to mentiont the first production was oedipus rex. lol, excuse me but there's a reason most english classes teach it in the classroom, and why i've never before heard of it in theatre. certain classic pieces are hysterical to see being done. i guess next they should put on romeo and juliet...that makes for a surprising stage piece. then i think they'll close the year with william tell. who knows what that could be about. certainly not english folklore. anyway...point is, pompous...and they've driven me away.

my latin teacher is pretty awesome, though i have decided that COL: latin is definitely not for me. i like latin a bit but i really can't imagine the "imperfect passive gerudive of obligation" being part of my psyche. anthropology sounds very interesting. government does too but it is supposedly a really hard major, filled with lots of homework :( gender studies i was looking at, but i've lost interest in it as a major. still, i may take more courses while i'm here. and of course, my long-desired philosophy classes are calling out to me. i don't know what i'll do yet but anthropology, philosophy (with much encouragement from my advisor), and government look to be the most likely. sex, morality, and the law is amazing, but i don't think i'll be getting an A in that class due to participation and everyone else talking about nothing while i only want to talk when i have a point to make...it makes it seem like i talk not at all, when i really just don't raise my hand to say "i agree with what tanya is saying." physics is...physics and it's fucking easy and hysterical. and then there's history and the humanities with a professor i dislike and a course i dislike. it's supposedly divided into 2 semesters so i'm hoping i can end this painful experience after 1 semester to pursue a better course. it only depends on if i have to take the whole year to get credit for the 1st semester, but i don't think i do. i was going to do religious studies until i found out all the classes are pro-religion, of course. oh, how i dream of the day Sam Harris could teach a class and that i could be in it.

this is a great place, and this is a great experience. i'm looking forward to more, hopefully more friends, more knowledge, and more happiness (been a bit stressful for the most part). i still don't call it home, though. and while i cherish every second i spend here in this accepting, intellectual, environmentally thoughtful, liberal, incredible atmosphere, i can't wait for december 20th when i get to fly home, eat some GODDAMN BUENO, see brettski (and possibly someone/s else? anyone?), play some WoW, and fall fast asleep on the comfy red sofabed.

2 pieces| break something

[16 Sep 2007|11:56pm]

i has DC



also, DDR for the wii comes out next week. holy fuck.


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applications [18 Aug 2007|03:59am]

so after two questions on facebook's "compare people" application i have given up. this thing fucking hates me.

question 1: who is more naturally talented, johnrom or brett marcotte?
I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! they're both ridiculous at like 10 million things.

question 2: who would you rather marry, rachel or shelby?
(its funie cuz i tryed to d8 both n my life, amirite?)

anyway, fuck this application. it's poop.

1 piece| break something

question #2 [17 Aug 2007|09:06pm]
[ mood | lethargic ]

in a lot of movies and, less frequently, in real life, people pull the "it's better for you to know than to live in regret your whole life" life.
we are urged to take risks in order to gain rewards. but what if you were always out of luck.

would you rather:
a) never take risks and live life regretting your inactions, or
b) continuously take risks and consequently fail everytime, making you feel incapable of doing anything right or being happy


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[12 Aug 2007|03:34am]

done wif vidjo games for a while.
went to 2 smash tournies.

got 7th out of 32+ at both.
got 5th in teams in KC and then brett and i choked at the OK tourny XD
but oh well, i've had fun. the people are pretty amazing.
it feels weird saying that.
but i had more fun meeting the people who play smash than the game itself.

no more until brawl comes out.


now...to study french. i have a long ways to go.

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[09 Aug 2007|02:39pm]
break something

would you rather... [12 Jul 2007|10:44pm]

not know who you are
not like who you are



1 piece| break something

[11 Jul 2007|08:32pm]

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date [08 Jul 2007|02:18am]

it went alright.
better than i expected, worse than i had hoped (i like that line)
brett said "be yourself"
so i didn't do anything stupid trying to impress or be cool, yet still managed to make her laugh and keep her attention for a couple hours after the movie was over.

during the movie was the worst, man. she was fidgetting with something.
made me nervous. the only time i had to control "being myself"
since my heart was kind of beating quickly but i didn't want to breathe heavily outloud and sound like a fat asthma kid.
or worse, the anxious wreck i am XD
honestly, though, i enjoyed her company, and i hope to see her again soon.

tomorrow i am calling her and asking her out on a 2nd date. yes? no? we'll see.
i'll keep my fingers crossed...i think literally for this one.

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heh [03 Jul 2007|09:56pm]

i found out she doesn't really have any interest in me anyway.
but at least she said yes to be nice.
i can't keep her attention, or get her to make decisions...
le sigh
well it's better than her being mean, but i like her too much for my own good
and it'll be disappointing to know that she has no intentions of seeing me afterwards, even as a friend.
:\ she has every quality i could want in a girl except wanting me XD
drat. how about them apples? luck is funny.
i guess i'll have as much fun as i can have friday,
she took the time out of her schedule for it so i'll try to enjoy.

it's just hard to enjoy when it doesn't feel like she wants to be there. or rather, doesn't care if it's there or anywhere else, which is better than not wanting to be somewhere, but definitely not impressive or what i was hoping for.

maybe if i'm a nice guy i can get a kiss on the cheek at the end. or better yet she talks to me to where i at least get to know her better. i like knowing things about her, she's interesting.

interesting...but not interested.
good song title #1

1 piece| break something

[02 Jul 2007|12:21am]
What are you gonna say when she picks up the phone?
Should you leave a message if she's not at home?
I wanted to know if you'd like to see a movie or get a drink.
It would be cool just to be in your company.
But if she says yes know what intentions might be.
If one thing leads to another and there's some chemistry.
You cannot lie, you have to tell the truth.
You have to explain why this could never be, because

There are things that cannot be undone.
There are mistakes that will never be forgiven.
Sometimes at night, I pray to wake a different person in a different place.

Maybe we could just be friends.
I'm being a bit presumptuous.
The stomach churns, the mind starts to race.
You nervously start to exaggerate.
I just want to be young, I want to live.
I want to be healthy,
I don't want this problem.
You wouldn't think something like irresponsibility,
would complicate something like asking for some company company.

But there are things you must accept as said and done.
There are truths you must learn to confront.
You can pray all night and day.
You'll always wake the same person in the same place.

Drunk mouth ruined it again.
Sometimes I say the dumbest things.
Baby it's not you specifically it could be anybody.
I gone and built this up in my head and now it's all already over.
It's all ready before it ever started.


so for the first time in my life i legitimately asked a girl out to a date...for a date? to be my date.
shelby said yes which is really not what i was expecting,
and she called me back like immediately so o.0

i have a date...that sounds weird.

this song puts it into a good perspective though, i was really nervous, and i'm already planning for failure ahead of time. more than that, it sucks since college is like... less than 2 months away. even if things go well, why would she want to date through college since she's going as far west as possible and i'm going as far east as possible? it's almost like working out would be worse since it would come to an end. i'd rather see where it goes and hope for the best, who knows what could happen. she probably doesn't share the same view, and most people don't, since the possibility of it lasting through college is slim to none.

hey, slim to none. i haven't heard that since my dad said it like 5 years ago. shit.

EDIT: this is how serious i am. i get one damn date and i start worrying about my whole life XD
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